What is a guy looking for? what is a girl looking for?
There are many ways to say I love you, but God gave us the two most important for a relationship!
I learned another important lesson from my dad recently about what a guy wants.
We have always had a pretty close relationship...not perfect, but very good. Although we both have the crazy problem of being strong-willed, we also both cannot mask when something is wrong and have to talk it out.
Recently, we were clashing over some issues. I almost felt like I was not being heard; my concerns seemed to be ignored. One morning my dad asked me a question to which I replied with a snappish voice. My dad does not generally yell, but he gets that "look". You know the one I mean... I have always been more afraid of it than of a spanking.
We were soon in a four hour discussion where I was able to voice my concerns and actually felt like I was heard. On the other hand, my dad told me that he didn't mind listening as long as he felt like I was respecting him along the way. He felt like the lack of respect was a sign of me pulling away in our relationship.
I am not just sharing this to air my dirty laundry :)
In our culture, girls have been raised to expect unconditional love and care from the man. Even the church is covered in the message of "husbands love your wives (Ephesians 5:25)". Note that this word Love means agape (unconditional, selfless). However, society almost scorns the previous verse which commands the woman to be "subject" to the man.
My dad was not confident in my love - no matter how much I said "I love you"- because he did not feel completely respected. On the other hand, I did not feel securely loved because I did not feel that he was fully listening to my concerns. Dr. Eggerichs calls this the "crazy cycle".
God commanded the man to Love (unconditionally), and He commanded the woman to be subject (respectful). God knew the man would feel loved if he were respected, and that the woman would feel loved if she were unconditionally cared for and understood.
If one or the other drops their end of the command, the crazy cycle begins.
No love --- She reacts--- No Respect--- He reacts....
Does this mean the woman has to be a door mat? No, here is something my dad pointed out .
The line of subjection :
God
"I and my father are one" Christ
Man
"They shall be one flesh" Woman
God made eve from Adam's rib. He meant for them to be partners in the relationship.
Also notice that Christ loved the church with agape Love so much that he died. The church in return, loves so much that they respond with respect.
After reading this, I watched how different relationships functioned around me in movies, books, and families. Most arguments and break-ups began because couples got on this crazy cycle and could not get off.
Have you seen the movie "Fireproof" ? The couple in the movie was on this crazy cycle and moving quickly to divorce. The husband learned to love his wife unconditionally. He had to show that he valued her above all other things by destroying the pornography. It was not until she saw this that she began to respect him again.
However, a woman could just as easily take steps to stop the crazy cycle by unconditionally respecting her husband.
As you go about the rest of your week, take a moment to observe relationships near you. It is really interesting to me how one little concept can be a huge relationship saver.
I would be very interested to hear some feedback on this post. Leave me a comment about what makes you feel loved. Also, I will have a poll on the side of the page so take a moment to vote before you leave! :)
I have heard of this before and have had a number of discussions of this sort with family and friends. It is interesting to speak to guys and they are totally surprised that we (famales) don't understand this. It is so natural to them that they can hardly comprehend that females don't understand the importance of respect and what respect is. This is a very eye-opening subject that I think would save many marriages and relationships if taken into account.
ReplyDeleteDevona,
DeleteYou are absolutely right. Before reading this book I had never realized how important respect was to a guy. It totally opened my eyes to view relationships in a new way!
I can see how a man may need respect to feel love but as for myself and myself only I can say that I would love to have both respect and care, because while growing up as the oldest and not having a dad around for the most part of my life and having a mom having to work a lot to support our family I had to withdraw myself and learn how to do both for my younger siblings.
ReplyDeleteJuan,
DeleteYou brought up an excellent point. care is also important for the man. The past certainly shapes what a person desires and longs for in the future.
Hmmmmmm....interesting topic. I believe that, in some instances, respect is the same as care. If you care about someone, I believe that you HAVE to respect them. In order to respect someone, I believe you HAVE to care about them, at least to SOME extent.
ReplyDeleteI have been on both ends of the spectrum...one in a marriage where I was not respected much or cared about much most of the time. Now, I am respected and cared for greatly! To love someone unconditionally like in the movie "Fireproof", is NOT an easy thing sometimes. But if you can overlook the other person's faults and mistakes or them getting angry at you, and continue loving them even even when they aren't very loveable, it is MUCH easier to love them when they aren't mad at you or when they haven't made a mistake. Of course, it's NOT easy when you actually have to do it....but if you respect your partner, I believe you should do your level best to show that you respect them and care for them, even if they don't deserve your respect for some reason.
Unconditional love for someone to me means that you show your love, respect and care for the person no matter what. Be willing to stand beside them, no matter what may come, no matter what time they need someone to talk to. Be there to offer an encouraging word when the clouds have taken over....be a bright spot in their day, if they need one. Unconditional love is something that is VERY hard to find these days, but is something that is wonderful to both parties when it is experienced in a relationship.
Hope my rambling didn't confuse you! And thanks for changing your blog, so I could leave notes!
God Bless!
Awesome, awesome points! I can see what you are saying about care and respect going hand and hand. The divorce rate has increased so much lately. I just finished researching for a paper for school and came to the realization that all the predictions of success or failure in a marriage can be changed by one small component- commitment. Even the hard times can be worked through if a couple decides to do whatever it takes to make it work.
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